Candy Flavoured Pain
I used to see myself as a victim of circumstances. I often felt misunderstood and was quick to blame everybody else for my bad luck and misery. I was helpless
All the blaming led to a lot of pain, and through time, pain became a trusted friend. I felt like pain understood me and that she wanted me, like a secret lover. We started to develop a strong bond
Whenever I couldn’t cope, pain quickly helped me putting the puzzle together:
Through pain it made sense that I couldn’t cope with the world around me. Through the lenses of pain I could see why I didn’t stand a chance dealing with life’s challenges. After all, I was in pain!
Feeling sorry for my self made me feel good, much like an addiction.
But pain also served as a gatekeeper – she kept me out of the land of from freedom.
In the end, holding hands with her held me back for many years. She controlled my life.
Although pain provided me with an explanation and a sense of relief, I still felt stuck and frustrated over the fact that everything I set out to do seamed to fail. I started getting tiered of getting nowhere. I felt like my thoughts had been poisoned, not able to think straight.
God then came to me one night, dressed up as a human being. He stared me straight into my eyes: ”Why”, he said, ”why”?
”What do you mean why” I thought to my self, I didn’t get what he was trying to show me.
God was very persistent, and he kept coming to me in the night asking the same question.
Alone in the dark it finally dawned on me:
I was stuck because I wasn’t conscious of why I did what I did. I had a hidden agenda lurking in the shadows of my mind, I was trying to justify me self. I was driven by shame.
God made me a promise that if I gave my life to him, he would take care of me so I didn’t have to worry about being good enough anymore.
I was frustrated, mad and scared. I was tired of running round in circles. I was tired of destroying my own life. So I took him up on his word. In fact I started to challenged his promises, I tried and tested his strengths to the very limit. I had to get to the bottom of my doubts and fears, I had to find my freedom.
My life took on a new direction, my life had changed.